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Dispatch → Bulletin → News
by 
The Penguinite Kleptocracy of Volaworand.
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Potatoes As Do-It-Yourself Radiation Treatment Worry Health Experts
Due to rising fears of N-day radiation infections and various mutations, people have resorted to using potatoes, a commonly used root vegetable, poisoning themselves in the process.
[TSP]VBC News reports an increase in calls to poison control centers due to the vegetable. The Faraday Poison Center reports an increase by 40-50 calls daily due to the do-it-yourself radiation treatment and preventive trend that's worrying health experts.
Experts Warn of The Dangers of Potatoes
Julie Weber, the president of the Volaworand Association of Poison Control Centers tells VBC News that people are getting potatoes through their local markets and dosing themselves in a poor attempt to treat or prevent radiation infections.
Experts urge people to avoid fake 'cures' and lures that are detrimental to their health and could cause problems as severe as the radiation infections they are attempting to treat.
Soren Rodning, a Volaworand Antarctic College researcher, warns that potatoes should not be used to self-medicate, adding that there is no study proving the effectiveness of potatoes to treat radiation infections in humans.
How Potatoes Became a Popular DIY Radiation Treatment
The trend in using potatoes as a radiation deterrent was generated by the Grassroots Radiation Infection Frontline Treatment & Emergency Response Alliance that formed at the beginning of N-day catastrophe. It is composed of critical care workers that previously promoted the controversial use of Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aids to treat of gunshot wounds according to an investigation by Science-ish News Today.
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On the other hand, TSP regulators are firmly reiterating the lack of robust evidence and safety data before recommending potatoes as preventive medicine, cure, or treatment for radiation.
The GRIFTER Alliance held a press conference touting a TEP study that showed proof of the vegetable's ability to combat radiation infections. However, public health agencies and health experts denounce the study and "shoddy pseudoscience funded by Big Potato dark money".
In an earlier statement, the National Institutes of Health refused to support potatoe-based treatment of radiation infections until human clinical trials prove the safety and effectiveness of the vegetable.
Meanwhile, the TSP Food and Drug Administration also warns South Pacificians not to self-medicate using potatoes which are primarily needed for SPIT production.
Large Amounts of Potatoes are Poisonous
Potatoes are a common root vegetable used in fries, chips, vodka and SPIT, and often harmlessly consumed in raw, deep fried, mashed or baked forms.
Although small doses of the potatoes can be tolerated by humans with minimal side effects like increased heart rates, rashes, and nausea, taking large doses can cause severe poisoning in humans.
The Faraday Poison Center reminds the public that overdoses of potatoes can result in lung issues, heart problems, seizures, and coma in humans. Adding that people should refrain from consuming potatoes especially if they believe they have radiation poisonings.
According to reports the TEP study that triggered the trend of using potatoes to prevent or treat radiation infections tested the efficacy of potatoes in vitro or performed outside of living organisms.
- Volaworand Newswire
