Cook time: Like three minutes

Serves: 1

Recommended ingredients:
Mayo
Sliced bread

Directions:

1. Spread mayo on both sides of the bread.
2. Fry the bread until golden brown.

Mmes et MM, presented now for your consideration: The Broodmother's Kitchen - Good ol' Irish Granny Broodmother Faux Carrot Cake™!

Cook time: an hour if you have one ace of an oven, 1.5~ hours otherwise. Just keep an eye on it.

Serves: A party, but who are you trying to fool, fatty.

Recommended Ingredients:

• 4 or 5 eggs (judge for yourself on the consistency)
• 2 cups light brown sugar
• 2 cups flour (plain)
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 2 tablespoons lemon zest
• 2 or 3 grated lemons (Grim's note: Swapping the lemons and the above lemon zest for two medium sized carrots makes the cake citrus-free)
• 1 cup rapeseed oil or olive oil
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon
• 1 cup hazelnuts

For the Icing:
2 tablespoons soft margarine
6oz icing sugar
4oz soft cheese of your choice (Galla's note: Consider substituting in dairy-free buttercream for the 4oz soft cheese, which would make the whole cake dairy-free)

Additional options/replacements (my tinkering that hasn't ended disastrously)

• Swap out the hazelnuts for almonds, or mix
• Vanilla extract is always nice
• Swap out the lemons for two medium sized carrots, if you must

Directions:
1. Preheat your oven to 150C° (300F°).
2. Get your sugar, oil and eggs (do be sure to crack them, egg shell cake is not recommended), put them in a bowl and BEAT THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF THEM. Make them beg. This isn't a soufflé, let out all that rage within you.
3. Once it's nice and resistant sieve in the flour, baking soda and powder, cinnamon, and salt.
4. Mix in, then add the grated lemons, hazlenuts and zest. Mix again.
5. Pour into two loaf tins (preferably) or if you don't have loaf tins just pour it into two generic baking tins.
6. Bake until it looks like cake.
7. Let it sit and cool for ten minutes out of the oven.

Icing time.
8. Sieve the icing sugar into a bowl.
9. Add the soft margarine and soft cheese and mix until smooth.
10. Once the cake has cooled completely spread the icing over the top of each loaf, stick them together to get yourself a nice layer cake, spread some more on the top if you have enough to spare.
11. Sprinkle some of that sweet, sweet cinnamon on top, maybe some almonds, go wild.

Feast.

1 whole lemon
1 cup olive oil (225 grams)
2 cups sugar (450 grams)
4 eggs
4 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cup self raising flour (250 grams)
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of butter (250 grams)

Pre-prep: Making brown butter

Heat butter on a low setting in a saucepan, stirring frequently. The butter will separate, and begin to bubble. After a while, a soft foam will generate on the surface. After a while, the foam will become extremely stiff, and linger when lifted with a spoon. Continue to heat until the foam begins to rapidly rise, filling the volume of the saucepan, and allow the butter to settle in the pan. When the foam has settled, use a spoon to check if the separated milkfat particles that have come to the bottom of the pan are cooked through - they will be a deep toasty brown, and should have an extremely strong nutty or caramel aroma. If not, place the butter back on the heat and begin again.

When cooked through, mix the butter through as it begins to resolidify. When the butter has become soft to the touch at room-temperature, it can either be used for this recipe or be refrigerated.

Prep:

Preheat oven to 140 degrees.

Separate eggs.

Mix flour, salt, oil, egg yolks, juice of half a lemon, and vanilla to make the batter.

When egg whites are at room temperature, juice half a lemon into egg white. Beat egg whites until soft peaks hold their shape.

Begin slowly adding one cup of sugar while beating the egg whites, until it is stiff enough to stick in the bowl when turned upside down, to make the meringue.

Beat brown butter until fluffy. Begin adding the remaining one cup of sugar and beating until the mixture is creamy.

Fold the meringue into the brown butter to make the buttercream.

Fold buttercream into the batter.

Bake for 30 minutes.