Preamble: Crabs are really funny creatures that we, humanity, just can't get enough of. Perhaps, maybe a little too funny. Or... not at all. I mean who can say?

Section 1: Most species of crab have two claws capable of pinching and grabbing things. This, in turn, means they could theoretically play video games. Thus, Crabs should hereby not be denied sales of the latest Call of Duty installments from smelly GameStop employees.

Section 2: We will airlift large nets full of crabs and drop them into major city centers in Real gamers, to effectively double the gamer population. They will receive full citizenship and a 2,000 pogger stimulus each.

Section 3: Attempting to engage in "Crab Battle" will result in a fine.