The Holy Empire of Coltonia is a huge, cultured nation, notable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, daily referendums, and triple-decker prams. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, devout population of 305 million Coltonians are effectively ruled by a group of massive corporations, who run for political office and provide their well-off citizens with world-class goods and services. Their poorer citizens, however, are mostly starving to death while being urged to go out and get real jobs. The populace has reasonably extensive civil rights, although these are mostly aimed at allowing them to buy whatever they like.

The tiny, outspoken government is primarily concerned with Spirituality, although Industry, Healthcare, and Administration are also considered important, while Law & Order and Social Policy receive no funds. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 5.9%.

The powerhouse Coltonian economy, worth 24.6 trillion Colts a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Pizza Delivery industry, with major contributions from Retail, Uranium Mining, and Automobile Manufacturing. Average income is 80,675 Colts, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 351,226 per year while the poor average 11,728, a ratio of 29.9 to 1.

Mining is the nation's most dangerous occupation, the Department of Health is snowed under by requests for crisper ciabatta and tenderer tagliatelle, crime is on the rise as DNA sampling has been all but outlawed, and getting an infected tattoo is considered a rite of passage in Coltonia. Crime, especially youth-related, is a major problem, probably because of the absence of a police force. Coltonia's national animal is the Bears, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation.

Coltonia is ranked 54,948^th in the world and 1,677^th in The North Pacific for Most Cultured, scoring 71 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.