The Children's Crusade of Guiness Freaks is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Beer Leader with an even hand, and renowned for its ban on automobiles, keen interest in outer space, and hatred of cheese. The compassionate, democratic, humorless population of 22.798 billion Guiness Freaksians enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

The government — a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, liberal morass — juggles the competing demands of Education, Environment, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Jameson Whiskey. The average income tax rate is 99.1%.

The frighteningly efficient Guiness Freaksian economy, worth a remarkable 3,768 trillion pints a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is highly specialized, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing. Average income is an impressive 165,283 pints, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Criminal rehabilitation takes place in re-education centers, ADHD now stands for Attention Distracted by Hardware Devices, every day has been a surprise since weather reporters turned to consulting ancient totems for their seven-day forecasts, and anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper. Crime is totally unknown. Guiness Freaks's national animal is the beer owl, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Atheism yeah buddy.

Guiness Freaks is ranked 9,094^th in the world and 589^th in Lazarus for Lowest Crime Rates, with 102.83 law-abiding acts per hour.