The Final of The Champions League is a gargantuan, safe nation, ruled by His Excellency with a fair hand, and renowned for its museums and concert halls, keen interest in outer space, and smutty television. The compassionate, democratic, cheerful population of 12.6 billion Champions Leaguean are free to do what they want with their own bodies, and vote for whomever they like in elections; if they go into business, however, they are regulated to within an inch of their lives.

The medium-sized, outspoken government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Education, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Marseille. The income tax rate is 100%.

The frighteningly efficient Champions Leaguean economy, worth a remarkable 4,227 trillion euros a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is quite specialized, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Retail. Average income is an amazing 335,536 euros, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The government finds the idea of having an army to be rather distasteful, war is made in the name of love, shady doctors seem to have impeccable records, and the pursuit of wanted criminals ends at the entrance of the pay'n'spray garage as police refuse to enter any private property. Crime is totally unknown. The Champions League's national animal is the eagle, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies.

The Champions League is ranked 292,836^th in the world and 1,475^th in Europe for Most Primitive, scoring -1137.36 on the Scary Big Number Scale.