The Empire of Talvarius is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Phelom Theonelim with an iron fist, and remarkable for its otherworldly petting zoo, aversion to nipples, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 19.124 billion Talvars are ruled with an iron fist by the dictatorship government, which ensures that no-one outside the party gets too rich. In their personal lives, however, citizens are relatively unoppressed; it remains to be seen whether this is because the government genuinely cares about its people, or if it hasn't gotten around to stamping out civil rights yet.

The enormous, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Healthcare, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Riallines. The average income tax rate is 94.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Talvarian economy, worth a remarkable 2,538 trillion Arops a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is a slick, highly efficient, quite specialized black market in Tourism, Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, and Book Publishing. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an impressive 132,720 Arops, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Not showing enough enthusiasm for mutual assured destruction is a court-martial offence, every day has been a surprise since weather reporters turned to consulting ancient totems for their seven-day forecasts, people seem disproportionately distraught when told a museum has a phones-off policy, and the once prosperous capital is in utter decline. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Talvarius's national animal is the Parasaurolophus, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is National Glory.

Talvarius is ranked 20,254^th in the world and 819^th in The North Pacific for Most Cultured, scoring 91 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.